Xkcd.com

I would say that today was a nice day. This weather, pouring rain with sun breaks, makes me feel so at home. There's no better time of year than the transition from Summer to Autumn in my book. As I entered the church they were holding a bonfire. The whole church smelled of coffee, bacon, eggs, snicker doodles, and popcorn. The rain kept the all of these aromas present, but airy and damp throughout the building. If I closed my eyes it was almost like being at Aunt Judy's house as a little girl again. I thought about that wooden tongue and groove swing she had from the apple/plum tree in her back yard.. I used to go back and forth on their for so long I'd get rope burns between my thumb and forefingers. Then I'd run inside and eat whatever delicious food she had waiting at the table. Homemade grape juice, raspberry freezer jam on bread from Cousin Lisa's store, french dip sandwiches, stirfry, heavenly gravy poured over who cares what. I would have eaten that gravy plain. I probably did at some point. Aside from my summers on the farms that my mom worked on, those happy days stalking cats, climbing the rickety, rusted jungle gym, climbing the rope swing under the cherry tree where my favorite summer snack would fall to the ground, and watching my big sister, Julie, play baseball with cousin Anthony are the golden days of my childhood.

So today was a really nice day. I heard a GREAT message from my pastor at church. I enjoyed some fellowship with other believers. Once again, I am so blessed by my friend Beth, who helps me so much and gave me two huge boxes of clothes to look through for Lux. We bought a new bike for Lux yesterday. After we sorted through some new clothes from Beth I watched the girls ride bikes under a rainbow. Killian played some sort of sneak attack game with Casey. Little Bubbies was keen to show me all of the cool new "tricks'' he learned while bonding with Daddy today.

Dinner was nice until apropos to nothing Gwendalyn decided to point out that my sister died and laugh at me about it. Gwendalyn has been told before that it is funny or nice to say that. I told her that she was excused from the table and needed to go upstairs. With a mouthful of food she waled as she climbed the stairs. After dinner I went to talk with her and she told me that she was sorry for laughing at me about my sister dying. Later on, when I was getting ready to put the girls to bed we were playing around with a cape. Lux was explaining that she had plans to make a magazine tomorrow and needed Gwendalyn to pose in some of the new clothes so that she could make sketches. When I turned around to look back at Gwennie, she had wrapped a scarf around her neck and was pulling it so tight that she was gagging and turning red. Then she released it, and as I went to the other side of the room to take it from her she did it again! Watching my little Gwennie hurt herself like that on purpose was too much for me. I took the scarf away and told Casey to put the girls to bed for me. I took Killian and nursed him and put him down in his crib after a few songs like I usually do at nap time. I convulsed a little and cried as images of my sweet little girl who reminds me so much of my sister inflict on herself what my Julie died from.

Ever since she was born, I've been afraid that my Gwennie would grow up to be like my Julie. I don't know what it is, but I fear the same tortures and terrors that my darling, but so fragile sister faced through her formative years becoming Gwendalyn's fate as well. I don't worry that Lux is my Gloria, or that Killian is my Richard --that is my brother who died shortly after he was born. This occurred 14 years before I was born, so while it has always been a burden for my mother, I've had time to get over it--. So, I don't know where I get it in my head that Gwennie would have to worry about these things. I've always been afraid to speak this because I think that some how it will come true because of it. I'm not really superstitious, I just don't want to speak that over her life. Who wants their mom saying that they think they are going to grow up to be a closet drug addict, lesbian, who commits suicide because from the day that they're born? What kind of a mother thinks that of her child? Well, a mother with postpartum depression I suppose. I think that if their was a statute of limitations on claiming to have postpartum depression 3 years 7 months 6 days and 19 hours would definitely be well past the cut off point.

I have no idea what Gwendalyn will grow up to be like. Lux is obviously smart. She talks about what she wonders about, what she has learned, what she would like. Gwendalyn speaks well apart from her lisp, and she speaks often, but she doesn't have much to say. She doesn't do much arguing, She just doesn't obey. She's a comedian. She knows that she's funny. She can't look at you  in the face for more than a second when she talks to you though. She goes limp when she's supposed to stand in front of someone. We may need to have her evaluated. Maybe I'm over reacting. I used to think that she wouldn't obey at all. As it turns out, she just needed stricter punishments. As the middle child, she figured out that all she has to do is stall long enough and she can get out of anything. Eventually her sister will need to go somewhere or her brother will need my undivided attention and she'll be off the hook. I just need to do more to reign her in is all. That is easier said than done when her sister her studies and her brother needs to nurse, then have his diaper changed, then be followed every step of the way as he wonders aimlessly throughout the house...

At any rate, being able to process this is very helpful. At least I'm not all alone in this process. I have my husband to support me in all of this, my church to hold me up, my memories to comfort me, and my blog to get all this nonsense out of my head. I'm afraid of what a bad day would look like, but if this was it then I'm going to be okay.